By Craig J. Cantoni

An edited version appeared in the November 15, 2000 Arizona Republic. All rights reserved by the Arizona Republic and the author.

Let me take this opportunity to thank some of them for the free entertainment.

To the Donald Trump look-alike wearing Gucci loafers without socks on the patio of AJ's Fine Foods: Your loud cellphone conversation with your broker about your investments and new Porsche certainly impressed everyone sitting around you. We would have been even more impressed if you had walked next door to Walgreen's and bought Odor Eaters.

To the sobbing Ivana Trump look-alike with the plastic chest at Chompie's restaurant: It was really heartbreaking to overhear the phone call to your ex about being broke. Is it possible that being broke has something to do with the other details of your life that you broadcast to half the restaurant, particularly the $4,000 breast job, the $35,000 Land Rover and the $200 monthly phone bills?

To the twenty-something with the pierced nose in the checkout line at Fry's supermarket: It was really nice of you to call your boy friend and relive the night before with everyone in line. Your love life was much more interesting than the tabloid headline about the 300-pound baby who resembles Elvis.

To the coed at the adjoining table in the Arizona State University student union: Were you ever able to persuade your cell phone friend to get a tattoo on her derriere like yours? Thanks for letting me know its exact location, shape and size, and what your boy friend thinks of it. By the way, can you utter more than three words at a time without saying "like" and "whatever"?

To the 100-pound woman blabbing on the cell phone while trying to navigate her 5,000-pound Lincoln Navigator into a space at Sharon's Hallmark Cards: What exactly where you talking about when you jumped the curb and almost pinned me against the wall? No need to apologize. I enjoyed watching your three failed attempts to dock that oil tanker. I also got a kick out of your Al Gore bumper sticker. You must agree with his hatred of the internal combustion engine.

To the Martha Stewart wannabe arguing over the air waves with her husband about a purchase while stuffing her face with free freshly baked cookies at the huge and hugely expensive furniture store on Scottsdale Road: It is not polite to talk with your mouth full. Incidentally, my wife and I bought the same furniture for $500 less at a nondescript storefront at 32nd Street and Shea. But we had to bring our own cookies.

To the dude talking to his girl friend while using the urinal in the rest room at Houston's restaurant: Your ambidextrous performance was amazing. Does your girl friend know that you do not wash your hands?

To those who let their phones ring in movie theaters: You are the reason I do not go to the movies anymore. To those who yak on cell phones while driving 80 m.p.h. on Loop 101: You are morons. To those who think that the latest cell phone is a status symbol: Get a life. To those who think that a cell phone provides security: Get a gun. To those who think that cell phones destroy brain cells: You are right.

And finally, to the bozo who answered his cell phone during my speech and then proceeded to carry on a conversation: Did the paramedics ever get the phone out of your nose?

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Mr. Cantoni is an author, public speaker and consultant. He can be reached by e-mail at mailto:ccan2@aol.com